The Monikins Part 41

That of all the 'ocracies (aristocracy and democracy included) hypocrisy is the most flourishing.

That he who is in the clutches of the law may think himself lucky if he escape with the loss of his tail.

That liberty is a convertible term, which means exclusive privileges in one country, no privileges in another, and inclusive privileges in all.

That religion is a paradox, in which self-denial and humility are proposed as tenets, in direct contradiction to every man's senses.

That phrenology and caudology are sister sciences, one being quite as demonstrable as the other, and more too.

That philosophy, sound principles and virtue, are really delightful; but, after all, that they are no more than so many slaves of the belly; a man usually preferring to eat his best friend to starving.

That a little wheel and a great wheel are as necessary to the motion of a commonweath, as to the motion of a stage-coach, and that what this gains in periphery that makes up in activity, on the rotatory principle.

That it is one thing to have a king, another to have a throne, and another to have neither.

That the reasoning which is drawn from particular abuses, is no reasoning for general uses.

That, in England, if we did not use blinkers, our cattle would break our necks; whereas, in Germany we travel at a good pace, allowing the horse the use of his eyes; and in Naples we fly, without even a bit!

That the converse of what has just been said of horses is true of men, in the three countries named.

That occultations of truth are just as certain as the aurora boreal is, and quite as easily accounted for.

That men who will not shrink from the danger and toil of penetrating the polar basin, will shrink from the trouble of doing their own thinking, and put themselves, like Captain Poke, under the convoy of a G.o.d-like.

That all our wisdom is insufficient to protect us from frauds, one outwitting us by gyrations and flapjacks, and another by adding new joints to the cauda.

That men are not very scrupulous touching the humility due to G.o.d, but are so tenacious of their own privileges in this particular, they will confide in plausible rogues rather than in plain-dealing honesty.

That they who rightly appreciate the foregoing facts, are People's Friends, and become the salt of the earth--yea, even the Most Patriotic Patriots!

That it is fortunate "all will come right in heaven," for it is certain too much goes wrong on earth.

That the social-stake system has one distinctive merit: that of causing the owners of vested rights to set their own interests in motion, while those of their fellow-citizens must follow, as a matter of course, though perhaps a little clouded by the dust raised by their leaders.

That he who has an Anna, has the best investment in humanity; and that if he has any repet.i.tion of his treasure, it is better still.

That money commonly purifies the spirit as wine quenches thirst; and therefore it is wise to commit all our concerns to the keeping of those who have most of it.

That others seldom regard us in the same light we regard ourselves; witness the manner in which Dr. Reasono converted me from a benefactor into the travelling tutor of Prince Bob.

That honors are sweet even to the most humble, as is shown by the satisfaction of Noah in being made a lord high admiral.

That there is no such stimulant of humanity, as a good moneyed stake in its advancement.

That though the mind may be set on a very improper and base object, it will not fail to seek a good motive for its justification, few men being so hardened in any grovelling pa.s.sion, that they will not endeavor to deceive themselves, as well as their neighbors.

That academies promote good fellowship in knowledge, and good fellowship in knowledge promotes F. U. D. G. E.'s, and H. O. A. X.'s.

That a political rolling-pin, though a very good thing to level rights and privileges, is a very bad thing to level houses, temples, and other matters that might be named.

That the system of governing by proxy is more extended than is commonly supposed; in one country a king resorting to its use, and in another the people.

That there is no method by which a man can be made to covet a tail, so sure as by supplying all his neighbors, and excluding him by an especial edict.

That the perfection of consistency in a nation, is to dock itself at home, while its foreign agents furiously cultivate caudae abroad.

That names are far more useful than things, being more generally understood, less liable to objections, of greater circulation, besides occupying much less room.

That amba.s.sadors turn the back of the throne outward, aristocrats draw a crimson curtain before it, and a king sits on it.

That nature has created inequalities in men and things, and, as human inst.i.tutions are intended to prevent the strong from oppressing the weak, ergo, the laws should encourage natural inequalities as a legitimate consequence.

That, moreover, the laws of nature having made one man wise and another man foolish--this strong, and that weak, human laws should reverse it all, by making another man wise and one man foolish--that strong, and this weak. On this conclusion I obtained a peerage.

That G.o.d-likes are commonly Riddles, and Riddles, with many people, are, as a matter of course, G.o.d-likes. That the expediency of establishing the base of society on a principle of the most sordid character, one that is denounced by the revelations of G.o.d, and proved to be insufficient by the experience of man, may at least be questioned without properly subjecting the dissenter to the imputation of being a sheep-stealer.

That we seldom learn moderation under any political excitement, until forty thousand square miles of territory are blown from beneath our feet.

That it is not an infallible sign of great mental refinement to bespatter our fellow-creatures, while every nerve is writhing in honor of our pigs, our cats, our stocks, and our stones.

That select political wisdom, like select schools, propagates much questionable knowledge.

That the whole people is not infallible, neither is a part of the people infallible.

That love for the species is a G.o.dlike and pure sentiment; but the philanthropy which is dependent on buying land by the square mile, and selling it by the square foot, is stench in the nostrils of the just.

That one thoroughly imbued with republican simplicity invariably squeezes himself into a little wheel, in order to show how small he can become at need.

That habit is invincible, an Esquimaux preferring whale's blubber to beefsteak, a native of the Gold Coast cherishing his tom-tom before a band of music, and certain travelled countrymen of our own saying, "Commend me to the English skies."

That arranging a fact by reason is embarra.s.sing, and admits of cavilling; while adapting a reason to a fact is a very natural, easy, every-day, and sometimes necessary, process.

That what men affirm for their own particular interests they will swear to in the end, although it should be a proposition as much beyond the necessity of an oath, as that "black is white."

That national allegories exist everywhere, the only difference between them arising from gradations in the richness of imaginations.

And finally:--

That men have more of the habits, propensities, dispositions, cravings, antics, grat.i.tude, flapjacks, and honesty of monikins, than is generally known.


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